Now and Then

Change

There is always a change taking place somewhere. Nothing stays static. Learning to embrace that change, instead of fearing it, is part of what it means to grow. As a father I have walked the road of change with each of our four children. If I close my eyes for a moment and use my imagination, I can remember the children as babies - they would grip my finger for security as I held them in my arms. At night, when they were asleep, I'd kneel by their beds and pray for them - for the futures that they had yet to step into, for the decisions they would make, for the people they would become. My wife and I had four children under five and a half (we also lost a child to miscarriage during that time) and would often talk about when they would all be teenagers together and how we would cope. Well, today is our youngest daughter's 19th birthday. All four have grown up. They have each embraced Christ and are pursuing God's purposes for their lives. Our youngest has gone to university, the other three have finished. One is married, one is engaged, two are single. Their lives are kaleidoscopes of possibility. They are always changing and developing but they are not there yet.

We've loved every stage of parenting, and each one has brought blessings and opportunities. When I think of those who would give anything to hold a child they have lost, to have been parents and never were, I consider myself extremely blessed. I haven't been a perfect dad, but I've loved learning how to parent - I'm still learning. I'm not there yet.

I've changed as a husband. Debbie and I were married in 1993. It's been the most amazing journey together and we are staggered at how God has led us, provided for us, challenged us, stretched us and held us. It hasn't always been easy. I have not been the perfect husband. Debbie has shown such grace, love and patience with me. The two and a half decades of our marriage have been the best years of my life. Learning to love each day, to trust, to grow, to take risks. We've had seasons when all we had was a bowl of French Onion soup between us and no money to pay bills, and other seasons when the generosity of friends and the provision of God has left us breathless in wonder. We look back over the changing landscape of our marriage and realise how much we have learned - and how much we still have to learn. We are still surprised by one another, we still love one another, we are still growing together - we're still changing. We're not there yet.

The same is true in every area of my personal life. I am learning what it means to be a brother, a friend, a neighbour. None of these 'roles' stay the same - they are always evolving, developing, maturing. I wish I could say that they have always progressed forwards, but the reality is that there have been times when my lack of courage, my failures or my weaknesses have meant that the learning process has been longer, more painful, and more difficult than it would have been had I been less diffident or more teachable. I am learning that I am not there yet.

Growth

And as a pastor I am changing too. I think I am a kinder man now than I was twenty years ago. I am more patient. I am less certain about the things that don't seem to matter so much. When I see other people I don't feel the need to correct them as much as I did when I was twenty-five. I don't feel as if I always have to be right. Actually, I am enjoying the vistas that open up before me when I accept that there is more to learn, more to discover and more to experience than just winning an argument or proving a point. Don't get me wrong - the Truth is deeply important to me. I care more deeply about the souls of those God has entrusted to me than ever before. I long to see people experience the grace of God through Jesus Christ. I am more convinced than ever of the importance of Scripture, our dependency on the Holy Spirit, and the need for grace. At the same time, however, I have grown to appreciate possibility much more. I think I have come to see the beauty and the depth of the traditions of the Church much more. Those whom God calls 'son' or 'daughter' I am privileged to call 'brother' and 'sister'. There is such beauty in that; but being part of a bigger Family means that I must constantly be willing to be open, to listen, and to learn. None of us are there yet.

Mystery has a greater allure to me than ever before. Possibility is more appealing to me than certitude. Faith involves being willing to walk the pathway of not knowing, away from unbelief towards the moment when faith itself will no longer be required. Silence often has more power than noise. Seeing potential in people and working out ways of releasing it and celebrating it is such a joy.

When I was a child we would go on interesting holidays. Coming from Rathcoole, a housing estate about six miles north of Belfast, we were part of a tight knit community. I had four older siblings, three brothers and one sister. My mum and dad worked hard, but money was often tight. Yet they did their best to take us on holidays. We'd go camping to Brown's Bay in Islandmagee, or travel down to Tramore on the South Coast of Ireland. Seven of us would squeeze into a Vauxhall Viva that was bottle green with a black vinyl roof; we must have looked like County Antrim's equivalent of the Beverly Hillbillies! But it was fun. Squashed inside the car, I would often be the first to ask the ubiquitous question, Are we there yet?

It's a question that we must learn to live with.

Learning to live in the space between now and then

As as pastor, I have to help people live with the tension of that question, Are we there yet? I am nervous about those who think that Christian Faith means that nothing bad ever happens to us. My neat boxes of theological conviction fail to address some of the profound questions of life. I don't need to rehearse the questions to you - if you haven't asked them yourself, you will one day. The economy of faith is not one that can trade in untarnished currency. Beware of those who tell you that they will not let their theology be reduced to the level of their experience, no matter how well-intentioned they may be. I am not sure how faith works itself out without being rooted in day-to-day living.

God never deals with us in the sterility of a vacuum. We work out what we believe surrounded by the unexpected, the unknown and the undiscovered. Dealing with the disappointments of life, with our failure, our finitude and our fragility is part of what it means to have a living, breathing growing faith because it is part of what it means to be alive. Of course, we also have the beauty of blessings, the power of promises kept, the hope of God's persistent Presence. God never lets us down, but I have felt like He has at times. I've had to re-examine my assumptions, be honest about the things I believed were rights when actually they weren't - like healthy children, being with my parents when they died, never facing trauma or avoiding heartbreak. None of these are 'rights'. The fact that we often assume they are the rights of Christians shows that when it comes to our thinking and theology, we may not be there yet.

Making sense of following God in the midst of the mess and being faithful in both the beauty and the brokenness are part of learning to live between now and then.

My responsibility as a pastor is to help people see and follow God when their now is hard. I have to help them see that their then has the strength to reach into their current circumstances now and give them hope. When the person they love isn't healed, when their deepest prayer is met with a 'no'. When the marriage they have invested in and would give anything to save fails. When the children they have nurtured and nourished in the Faith walk away. When they bury their loved ones too soon. When their worst fears become their lived realities. That's when they need the gift of faith most. If I have taught them that bad things don't happen to good people, not only have I done them a disservice, I have dishonoured God. Helping people to live with hope between now and then is the greatest privilege and the toughest thing. Holding on to God's promises despite the evidence around us is not easy at the best of times, but it is almost impossible at the worst.

God is faithful though. He is faithful to the end. By that I mean not everything makes sense in our time-frame. The yelps of those who tell you that praying let Your will be done is a weak prayer are really only the noises made by crying children who have not yet grown up.

Christian faith is not an elaborate avoidance technique. To trust God is to believe that He knows what He is doing, even when we do not know what He is doing; it is to learn that we do not need to understand Him to trust Him; to hold on to the conviction that He will put all things right. It is to let Him be the One who holds the futures of our loved ones most closely to His heart. To trust God is to let Him do in our lives and in the lives of those around us whatever will best advance His Kingdom. It is to be willing to let people go for a while even when it breaks our hearts to do so.

There are times when it means we do battle on our knees for healing, or we confront the powers of darkness with the Ultimate Power of the Light.There are moments when we need to become the change we want to see, when we refuse to back away from the Truth, when we stand up for what is right. Sometimes though, the hardest thing to do is to stand between now and then and hold on to the reality that God is still there, and that He won't abandon us. We may not be there yet, but we will get there.

Not home yet?

Back to that question we have all asked as children, 'Are we there yet?' We always wanted to get there sooner when we were small. We still do.

Some years ago I was pastoring on the south coast of England. One particular family had lost their son to a terrible illness when he was in his late teens. Their lives adjusted but they never forgot him or stopped loving him.

That is as it should be.

I remember having a coffee with them on one occasion and talking to them about how they had dealt with their loss. The mum told me that one day, a few months before their son died, they had brought him home from hospital for a few days before another intensive round of treatment. As they approached their front door, the dad put his key into the lock and turned it. At the same time he turned to his son and said, 'Are you glad to be home?' Their son stopped on the path and looking at his mum and dad said, 'I am not home yet, but I will be soon.' That was his way of telling them that he wasn't afraid of death. He knew that his journey would end with him leaving them for a while.

In that moment, on the path, the three of them faced the reality that their story was going in a direction that none of them wanted but that they were unable to avoid. They needed to adjust to the reality of God's promises being true in the midst of their disappointment with God. They needed to learn to trust Him through the space between now and then.

Faith that doesn't help you to do that won't work. Whatever you are facing, the story doesn't end when someone else says it ends. It doesn't end with a diagnosis you don't want, a funeral you can't face or a heartbreak you can't endure. Change is unavoidable, but growth is a decision.

Right now, I am praying for miracles in several people's lives. I won't stop praying for those miracles. I am not embarrassed by that. I don't think it is naive and I won't give up on the conviction that God is able, but at the same time, I refuse to see disappointment as the last word. If God doesn't do what I want Him to, if He says, 'No,' or if the outcome is not what I want, I'll still believe that He is good and that His love endures forever.

May you be given grace to embrace change instead of fearing it. May you be given the humility to grow through trials and heartbreak rather than be atrophied through them. May you learn to see the world in new vibrancy as you walk between 'now' and 'then'. May you constantly be reminded that neither how good your life is nor how painful changes the truth that you are not home yet. May we, the Church, become people who radiate Heaven on earth as we walk and as we wait. May you live in the power of the already but not yet. May hope be stronger than despair. May you receive the gift of faith daily as you hear the promise of God to you 'I am not finished with you yet'

Six Days and Counting - How Should I Vote?

Like me, I guess you have been thinking, praying and deliberating about how to vote. It hasn't been an easy process for me and I think some of the things I will say in my posting will be a little unpopular - but here goes anyway. I have tried to work through, as I do each time I am asked to vote, some of the core principles and decision-making filters that I believe will help me to make a Spirit-led decision.

Principle One: Who will benefit, support and protect the poor and the marginalised most effectively.

Whilst lots of Christians think that the most important question to ask as they come to a ballot box is 'will my vote protect the church', I don't see that as the top priority in the New Testament or the Old. Don't misunderstand me - I think we need to be careful to campaign for the protection of our civil liberties etc - but I think that we can get things the wrong way round. God's prophetic demands of Israel and the clarion call of the life, example and teaching of Christ, is that we should honour God - of course that is true. But the immediate outworking of that is the way in which we treat our neighbour rather than the protections we secure for ourselves. To put our needs, desires and well being above the needs of the poor, the excluded and the marginalised, seems to be to contradict the teaching of the Great Commandment (Matthew 22); the call to be Incarnational (John 13 and John 15) and the example and call to Kenosis (Philippians 2).

We all know that there are going to be extremely austere times ahead, and that whoever comes to power is going to have to introduce swinging tax increases and severe public spending cuts. Given that those with a traditional conservative view believe that tax should be cut to enable a release of private spending and investment, those with a traditional socialist view believe that there should be a more centrally managed approach to wealth re-distribution through taxation and those with a traditional liberal political theology believe in the reduction of the state and the greatest good for the greatest number, I choose to believe that across the political spectrum there is a genuine desire to do something to protect the weak, the excluded and the vulnerable during the next few years.

If that is a given (and you might be call me niaive in making this assumption), I want to cast a vote that will afford the greatest protection to those who are most exposed and vulnerable. In short, I want to understand exactly how the austere decade ahead will be managed - and none of the parties are answering that question with honesty and integrity. I'm dismayed that the principle of wealth redistribution hasn't really been discussed with vigour. I want to know how the poorest will be protected from inevitable interest rate rises, cuts to essential services and the inevitable job losses that might ensue. I want to know what the parties will do to enable support and protection of those at the bottom of the pile, from disabled children to low skilled and low paid workers. I also want to know how we will deal with immigration without vilifying asylum seekers or those who have a genuine concern about mis-managed economic migration. We can't pretend it isn't an issue nor can we simply endorse attitudes that are driven by fear rather than fairness. Why did it take Gillian Duffy being insulted for this to get onto ANY of the leaders' agendas?

I'm not impressed with the lack of information on these issues and it leaves me frustrated. Having read the three manifestos, the Liberals explain most fully what they do - but they still over cover a tiny portion of the stringency that we will need to embrace if we are to navigate the straights of economic constriction we will face.

Principle Two: Which party will uphold truth, transparency and accountability.

My second key principle for deciding how to vote relates to the party's policies on accountability, honesty and truthfulness. Given the complete and utter debacle of the last few years around expenses etc, I want to know that there will be a major overhaul of the systems and protocols of central government. This doesn't just relate to how people behave in the commons. I want to know how truthfulness will be encouraged and integrity be strengthened. The whole thing is brought into focus when we hear of politicians saying one thing in public and another in private. Of course, Gordon Brown should not be castigated as the only such politician just because he was caught. The reality is that whilst I have met many senior politicians and have always felt that each one came into public life to make a difference - whatever their party allegiances, I have also become very concerned by the lack of accountability, the prevalence of spin and the incessant avoidance of issues of integrity, honesty and trust-worthiness. I have never felt as 'unconfident' about the candour and honesty of leading politicians as I do now. That is a serious crisis for a committed social democrat like me.

For the first time in my life, I actually strongly considered not voting in this election. Of course I will - and I can hear your voices rising in horror at the the thought that I would even think about not voting. The truth is though, my confidence in senior politicians has been so undermined in the last few years that I came desperately close to abandoning a deeply held principle that I must always vote. In the end, my commitment to be part of the solution and my determination to stand up and make a difference led me to the decision that I will vote - but the process has been harder than it has ever been.

I want to believe in politicians. I want to know that they won't break manifesto promises. I need to be assured that they will be accountable to the electorate. I want the power to recall my MP if they step out of line. I want to know that decisions about spending, war, housing and education will be made with integrity honesty and genuine concern for the good of society. I am fed up with politicians who put their own well-being and the well-being of heir own parties above those of the country.

So integrity and truthfulness is about more than expenses - it is about a system of election which is fairer, it is about a re-formed Second Chamber, it is about greater accountability of elected members and it is about an assurance that major decisions will be made in consultation rather than in isolation and in silos of the political elite - detached and remote from the anxieties and fears of real people.

I think a great start would be a stronger and clearer commitment to Nolan's principles for public life - which were supposed to strengthen the responsibilities and behaviour of those in public life - but where have they gone and what has happened to conversations about integrity and truth.

Principle Three: How will families be protected?

I am not just talking about the traditional family of a husband and wife and children, I am talking about families. Of course, as a Christian, I believe that the very best and God-given ideal for families is one with a husband and wife  bringing up children in a loving and stable environment. Marriages need to be protected and strengthened - and with all the rhetoric from the parties none of them have even scratched the surface of protecting and strengthening the family. Taxation support, required counselling prior to divorce, and acknowledgement of the centrality of the unit of marriage at the heart of our society would all help - or at least make a start. How will government make divorce less easy? Alongside that, investment in pre-marital counselling and a campaign encouraging people to consider marriage might help. We as churches could make marriage easier too - by suppling low cost ways of helping couples marry and keep the financial outlay down etc.

That might sound draconian - I don't mean it to. Instead, I also want to understand how the parties will support single mums and dads - those who have ended up in a family where one parent is trying to do the job of two. Investment in support for children in such families and the reversal of some ridiculous ideas that negate or remove the importance of fathers and mothers would be a great place to start.

Principle Four: Which party has a consistent approach to the dignity of life.

The massive shift in thinking in churches to social action and engagement has been a huge blessing - and I welcome it. But I also want to know what the new government will do to protect the dignity of life. That involves serious reconsideration of current limits on the points at which abortions can take place, the informal relaxation around passive euthanasia and the apparent softening in the courts of the law concerning assisted suicide and dying. It feels inconsistent to me to have a view around the poor and the marginalised which is so strong, and then to dismiss the issues around the dignity of life at the beginning and the end of a human being's life journey. I'm sad that so many seem to have allowed the issues of the dignity of life become divided into things that we speak out on and things that we do not.

How will a new government apply a consistent life ethic in issues of abortion and euthansia as well as in support to those who struggle in life? The rights of the unborn are as important to me as the rights of the born. The rights of the disabled, the terminally ill and the vulnerable are as important as the rights of the healthy and the strong.

Principle Five: How will the freedoms of the church be protected.

I am used to the mantras and comments from politicians that tell me they welcome the church's works and projects. I have spoken with most the senior figures in political parties across the years. I applaud and thank them for their acknowledgement of the importance of the church's social contribution to society. It isn't enough though. The solid, central reason for the work that we do is our allegiance to the Lord Jesus. We believe in social action - of course we do, but we also believe that we should be free to talk about the motivation and the inspiration of the Lord Jesus.

I have listened with great interest to comments about 'faith' communities in the election campaign. I've watched the videos (the 'Christians in Politics' one is really good) of leaders courting our vote.

Yet I haven't heard an acknowledgement that our faith matters as much as our actions. I will not vote for a party that forces me to hide my faith, pretend that my motivation is incidental and can be removed or suggests that my believe in the unqiue message of the Christian Gospel that 'Jesus is Lord'. I celebrate the freedom and diversity in Britain - but that diversity must include the freedom for me, as a follower of the Lord Jesus to share His message not only in my actions, but in preaching, evangelism and mission. Of course I do not want the government to fund my evangelism - but I do expect them to afford me the civil liberties and freedoms to both proclaim the message of Christ and demonstrate it in my actions and approaches to social engagement. I'm not a pluralist, I'm not going to pretend that my allegiance to Christ is a secondary issue.

In short, how will the parties afford me as a Christian the respect and freedom of speech and action that I am asked (and willingly agree) to afford to fellow citizens. Controversial as it may be - I want the freedom to live, speak and act as a follower of Christ in the same way as Muslims are afforded freedom.

So there are my five key principles which I have been prayerfully considering and thinking through - and I haven't decided yet! What is your framework for voting?

God-Gazer

God gazing

Hi Everyone,

A massive thank you to everyone who has commented so positively on this poem, which I wrote recently. Feel free to download it and do what you want with it.

God bless you all - if you want to check out the charity that I lead and what we do, then click

here

-you can make an enquiry about me preaching there to, which many of you have been asking me about by text or email.

God bless you all

Malcolm Duncan 

God-Gazer

I want to be a God-gazer,

captured by the brilliance

that springs from the radiance

of You.

I want to be a God-gazer!

Not a cheap food grazer

or an easy option lazer.

I want to be a trail-blazer

for the ordinary, everyday life.

I want to be a God-gazer -

not just copying the halcyon ways

that shimmer brighter in the haze

of by-gone rays and the good old days.

I want to be a God-gazer!

Looking beyond the trappings of success,

cutting through the stucco of respectability

like a laser piercing darkness.

I want to be a God-gazer!

Reaching for the stars and

seeing beauty in the moment by

becoming fluent in the language

of the God Who is here, Who is now.

I want to be a God-gazer

until my imagination is saturated;

until my thirst is sated;

until my passion is stirred;

until my intellect is stretched

as far as it can be;

until my yearning yearns

for others to be free.

I want to be a God-gazer -

not a meetings manager

or a people pleaser

or a 'tea and sympathy' vicar -

not a leadership trainer,

not just a speaker

but a seeker.

I want to be a God-gazer...

and for a moment I want God

to gaze through me.

I want others to see

His eyes

Heart

Mind

and Love

above everything else in me.

I want to be a God-gazer

captured by the brilliance

that springs from the radiance

of You.

Life-giver!

I want to be a Life-giver

not a life-sucker.

I want my life to be releasing

not appeasing or placating.

I want to be a Life-giver,

A drainpipe without blockages,

A circuit without stoppages,

A connector without breakages.

I want to be a Life-giver!

A 'you can do it' releaser,

A 'have a go' preacher,

A 'you were born to do this' pastor.

I want to be a Life-giver -

Seeing rivers flow, not die,

Seeing others rise and fly,

Helping friends reach for the stars

even if they sometimes miss.

At least they can say they tried.

I want to be a Life-giver,

Generous in spirit and in heart,

Letting the forgotten make a start

at being Life-givers, too.

I want to be a Life-giver

because I am a God-gazer

not because it's about me

but because it's about Him

because life can't spring

from any other 'thing'.

I want to be a Life-giver

connected to the Source

and pointing to the Son -

standing in the shadow of the Light

celebrating Him.

World-changer.

I want to be a World-changer

not just a furniture re-arranger

or an 'it could be better' winger

or a 'have the left overs' stinger.

I want to be a World-changer!

A doer, not just a talker.

I want to spread the clothes of heaven,

No more or less than a poor man's dreams,

beneath the feet of Jesus.

I want to be a World-changer -

'Cos on a morning many winters ago

the tomb was open

and the curse was broken.

Death had to let go

and re-creation burst out

of an old wineskin

like water from a geyser,

Like the cry of a child

pushed into the world

and nothing

would shut Him up.

I want to be a World-changer

because it's started...

because the vanguards on the move...

and love is pushing out hate

and light is shining out

and darkness can't understand it

beat it

change it

hide it

kill it

stop it

win.

I want to be a World-changer

because there's safety in this danger.

There's meaning in this purpose.

There's joy in this mission

and too many others are missing

the power of life in all its fullness.

World-changer? Life-giver? God-gazer.

God, break in - then break out

Fill - then make me leak.

Plug me in and push me out.

In me, through me, around me.

Make me a Patrick.

Make me a Brendan.

God-gazing, life-giving, world-changing.

Captured by the brilliance

that springs from the radiance

of You.

Malcolm Duncan

January 2010

(c) Malcolm Duncan

For more info, please contact malcolm@churchandcommunity.org