Hello Everyone,

Wow! Thanks so much for the encouraging emails and texts and other messages you guys have been sending - such a blessing to know so many people are willing to take the time to send an emal or an SMS or a card and stuff - bless you all.

I got two very special things today. One was a letter from my mum! She NEVER writes - because she is getting older and struggling with writing and things like that. I was so touched and really, really appreciated her sending me a letter. The other was a beautiful card from Debbie (my wife for those of you who don't know!) which has a quote on the front from Etty Hillesum. It says:

Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two breaths.

How great is that! We so often rush through things and miss the beauty and the wonder of the moment God gives us. Buddhists call it the ability to 'be present in the moment'. Christians talk about centred-living or simplicity. Whatever we call it, it is the ability to really be present, to listen and feel and see and hear and experience the sheer and unadulterated truth of the moment in which we find ourselves. I've tried to do that today and in doing so have prayed the same thing for each of you. This morning, I lay awake from around 3am - 6am. At first I thought it was just because I was sore and couldn't sleep, then I realised it might be because God wanted me to do something with that time - to listen to him, to rest in the darkness of my room and be physically and spiritually still. So I decided to use an Ignatian spiritual discipline and simply pray the Jesus prayer in my head and heart. Over and over again, I simply mentioned the name of Jesus - and each time I felt myself sinking more and more into God's glorious love and grace.

The darkness became a blanket of safety and security and peace. The warmth of Debbie next to me became a tangible reminder of the promise of God's warmth and presence and love. The scent of my pillow began to remind me of the sweetness and intimacy with which God has wooed and loved me through the years. I heard the children getting up and down in the night, or one of my sons talking in his sleep and they reminded me of my dependency on God - for every breath, every thought, every second of my life. I heard the noise of deer in the car park outside and was reminded that God has set my feet on high places. I heard owls calling to one another and remembered that even in the watches of the night the Holy Spirit speaks and carresses and loves God's people. I started to pray for each of you - asking our Father to caress you through the challenges and concerns of today. I prayed that each moment of stillness today would become a moment of holiness - a thin place for you. I asked God to take the challenges and the strains and the difficulties of this day and wrap them in his soft and gentle love so that you might feel the impact of today - but not be hurt by it. Instead, I prayed that you would sense Him in your footsteps, feel Him in your shadow, hear him in the laughter or the cries around you. I prayed that whatever you did, you would know the unsurpassed pleasure of the God who loves us enough to hold us - and ocassionally let us fall, so that we might become stronger and clearer and deeper in our love for Him.

Then I got the card and the letter! How amazing is that? God is so much aware of all that we face and all that we need. I knew that these days of silence would be moments of blessing - but I had no idea just how much He wanted to renew my intimacy and connection with Him. He doesn't need to do that - He doesn't need me! Yet He chooses to draw me in, to protect and nurture and strengthen me - wow!

Wrote this prayer for you all today - God bless.

Father,

There are people I love today who will face unchartered waters.

Be the hand that holds their vessels strong and safe in the midst of crashing waves and howling winds.

Be the light that safely guides them through this storm. Like a North Star shining through the clouds, let the light of Your love and grace shine through the clouds that try to hide Your presence. Pierce the darkness of despair, the fog of fear and the haze of hopelessness. Shine Your light onto the paths in front of Your peoples' feet - guiding each step toward Your path, Your way, Your safety.

Be the breeze that blows upon Your people today Lord. A breeze that blows away the cobwebs of regret and scatters the drizzle of despair. Let Your breath whisper to Your people through the singing of a bird and the chatter of children.

May they hear words of hope and strength, words that remind them of a brighter and clearer tomorrow. As the storms cease and the waves subside, be the quiet lapping at their boat.

Let their vision be clearer.

Let the storm have cleared the skies to leave new visions and vistas for Your people to see.

Let the waves give way to a fresher, brighter and bigger horizon than they ever thought possible.

In the quiet after the storm may Your people see you once again - in their boat, where You have always been.

May Your presence and Your gaze drive away lingering anxieties and fear and may they hear you whisper their name - as only a Father can whisper the name of their child.

As You whipser their name, in that one word let them know that You understand and care and love them enough to never, ever walk away.

Remind them that is always enough that You are there - and that You will never be any where else.

Amen

Hi everyone,

Got home yesterday - which is great. Spent most of yesterday sleeping. I am feeling very, very sore - both my throat and my neck itself - i.e both muscular pain and internal post-operative pain. I am not allowed to speak at all until Sunday/Monday because the growth was much larger than they thought. They could not remove it all because they were worried about causing permamnent damage to the vocal chord if they tried that, so they have cut away as much as possible and have left a small flap to cover the scarring - hence the command to completely rest my voice. Both chords were very swollen and impacted by the presence of the one growth - and it had almost completely closed the gap between the chords. Biopsies have been taken and I am back to get results and discuss the way ahead in the next week - ten days or so. Also await appointments with speech therapists etc, so the decision to cancel all speaking engagements between now and the end of the year was absolutely right - will give me a chance to recover and rest the voice and let healing and restoration take place.

There is no point in worying about what happens next - I have a real sense of God's continued peace and power and presence - and promise of restoration, so please join me in thanking God for that blessing and his love and peace which absolutely remain with me and the family.

The funny thing is that I am communicating with a simple 'etch-a-sketch' type thing that Debbie and the kids bought me. When I started writing with it, they started using it to write back to me! I'm the one that can't talk though - not them! The same has happened with anyone who has used it - funny, eh! I may not be able to talk to you, but you can talk to me!!!

Thank you all for your love, patience, kindness and prayers.

Part of the fabric of life?

Anyway, continuing the reflections on this whole thing, I am so aware of God's grace and peace.

Whether we like it or not, pain is part of the whole fabric of life. To escape suffering completely, we would have to live in some sort of vaccuum - detached from the reality of most people's lives and experiences - like sterilized and cushioned pods, where there was never risk of the unexpected or the experience of real life. If we do no not face trouble, pain or difficulty in our lives, then we would have no need of courage, patience or faith - and we would have no opportunity to grow in these virtues and learn how to become more like Christ. We would also loose the ability to show and have real compassion and empathy. If you do not understand, you cannot trully care - that is why the second person of the Trinity became a man, isn't it - so he could be tempted in all ways, like we are, and he could be 'touched by the feeling of our infirmities'.

Without pain and struggle, we would never learn from our mistakes or grow through the struggles and hard challenges. Our life and 'goodness' would be like the robotic response of puppets, made to look pretty, but with nothing but wooden hearts and strings to pull us - no freedom, no life, no depth. The more I try to think of a painless and a flawless world, the more impossible it becomes to think of whilst we live in the midst of a Kingdom which has come in part, but not yet fully. One day the struggles will end, but until that moment, we live in the midst of struggle and are changed by it - and given the chance to show those around us that God is just as real in the midst of pain as He is in the midst of blessing.

Difficulty and struggle are part of the inescapable mystery of what it is to be fully human and fully alive.

It doesn't make suffering any easier to bear, though. I still protest and fight against pain and struggle when it comes my way. I still want to get out of it as quickly as I can - and I still believe that I can ask God to end it as quickly as possible - but not until He has taught me, and others, of his grace and power in all of life. Of course we tend to complain about how unfair it all appears. We often ask, 'Why did God let this Christian or that Christian struggle with illness or pain or tragedy?' We can reduce God to a petty wonder worker who looks after his favourites and forgets the rest. Some Christian theologies make God into a puppet and us into the puppet masters, with the church being a consumer based convenience store. God is a heavenly resue service who can be called upon to do what we want, when we want, how we want, with the currency being our faith rather than his grace.

This seems to be a far cry from the call of Jesus to give our all, take up our cross and to follow him. Sometimes discipleship leads us into more struggle, not less. God has not abandoned those who go through pain - he is not detached, he is not distant and he is not uninterested. He is with those who struggle and suffer as much as he is with those who do not. The absence of suffering and struggle doesn't equate to the absence of God's grace and power and love.

Faith to endure is as important as faith to escape.

The rest we take between two deep breaths

Resting and recovering - an endurance or a blessing?

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